Journal Entries showing Emotional Distress

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DATE      ENTRY

5/13/16      These last 2 weeks I have felt: alone, accused, judged, embarrassed, ashamed, mad, sad, insecure, afraid, angry, overwhelmed, condemned, lost, isolated, separated, unforgiven, broken, heartbroken, empty. I confessed all my sins yet do not feel forgiven but condemned.

5/14/16      Felt anxious. Felt insecure. In my heart I kept thinking, but I was open before, confessed & felt forgiven. All I feel is accused & condemned, even though I’ve confessed all to Eric. .. Still not resolved w/ [BT Leader]. I just feel he’ll continually judge me but not actually help me or share a scripture.

5/18/16      I still have a lot of unresolved issues with [BT Leader], and the way he brought up things in the meeting and past practices in the bible talk.

5/20/16      Feeling anxious today.. Wonder what [BT Leader] said to the girls..

5/21/16      This morning I still felt mild hang-ups with past accusations. No follow up from Bruce/[Zn Leader] about how I’m doing. Maybe they're leaving it up to [BT Leader]. And maybe [BT Leader] waiting for a talk w/ [Zn Leader]. Still unresolved w/ unknown sisters in bible talk.

5/22/16      I do feel like I need to defend myself to prove my spirituality or repentance or something. Lack of resolution does nag at me. But every time I’ve talked w/ [BT Leader] there has been escalation. 

I feel the separation from the sisters, knowing that there may be some who hold things against. Wondering what [BT Leader] has told them. This is the 500 lb. elephant in the room.

5/23/16      This morning in my quietness I still felt the unresolved nature of things between myself and [BT Leader]… what a bunch of high school drama. .. to defend myself .. 

I feel anxious about things blowing up again.

5/24/16      Lots of stuff on the heart. Felt waves of anxiety. 

He replied wanting it sooner, with a scripture. Part of me wants to find a new group. Those things I can’t stand. ..it’s good to keep distance from unsafe people.

5/26/16      Feeling anxious/ anxiety in my heart. Thinking about how to choose real friends and safe friends.

5/27/16      ..but I see that I still feel very wronged by it all.

5/27/16      Currently feeling tremendously insecure. Lots of unresolved issues in my heart. Need to get resolved from the hurts.    And zero follow-up?

5/29/16      [Discipler] cancelled - not sure why.

5/31/16      Still frustrated w/ accusations. .. He admitted to self-righteousness and accusations. *as the smoke clears*   *the aftermath*   so much unresolved.

I see this was a deep wound trigger. Felt powerless to change all this. Shamed anonymously. No ability to make apologies. Shamed. Blamed. Isolated. 

I need to set up boundaries so that my heart is protected against this going forward. I’m not going to follow this just because they say so.

Tonight @ midweek felt insecure around many leaders, brothers & sisters. Wondering what others thinking.  (I feel like I have been honest)

6/1/16      ..but still feel insecure around folks. Heart doesn’t feel as accused. Need to be around mature, emotionally healthy people.

6/2/16      Heart feels small today.

6/8/16      After work my heart feels sharply sad. In my heart I still feel unresolved about the whole issue w/ [BT Leader] and how he conducted things.

6/10/16      ..feeling kinda mad inside. Mild anger. ..effects of hurt reputation from harsh judgement.

6/13/16      I get the feeling [Discipler] isn't interested in the relationship. .. Bruce talked to me afterwards and I still felt in a double bind. .. He thinks I hadn’t repented of either sin.  No one has even explained the “don’t talk to them” thing. Apology and forgiveness does not count I suppose. These things frustrate me and leave me feeling judged and misunderstood. Still a struggle when trying to get thru all the false-accusations.

6/14/16      Heart still feels sad today.. I’ve felt in a double-bind regarding talk w/ Bruce, as he sees the connection in my behaviors despite my apologies and repentance. That doesn’t help me change. There is still much unresolved in the bible talk too.

6/15/16      So I had been struggling for multiple days due to a double-bind from Bruce. Everyone else condemning...

6/17/16      Pretty sad & lonely last night.

6/18/16      The funk of judgement lingers

6/21/16      ..feeling meh. Perturbed. Not really grateful. Heart is hesitant, withdrawn. Feeling like I don’t care. Need to find reason to care again.

6/26/16      [Discipler] [cancelled] d-time because he was tired.

6/27/16      Took Sam-E last night. I still have yet to share my story, though … won’t listen.

6/28/16      Still frustrated this morning. 

I don’t feel that Eric listens. ..of what happened a year ago, feeling unforgiven. I have to separate myself from bad influences and even from myself..

6/29/16      I feel like my heart has been broken and decimated. Only parts of it are beating now. My future feels blah.

6/30/16      Felt discouraged last night. Was frustrated w/ Eric also at situation.

6/30/16      Yet upon returning home my sadness and depression returns like the daily fog. I must .. and somehow just get through this and move forward.

7/4/16      Bruce pulled me aside to speak to me about DTH&S approval email. I know he doesn’t believe in me, that makes things difficult. I feel that I’m on my own road to overcome and prove others wrong. 

7/7/16      ..after being judged by many in the church..

7/8/16      I shared about the hurt I’ve had in the B.T. My heart feels.. Disturbed. Yet how do I deal with lack of resolution?

7/14/16      I feel lots of things on my heart. discouragement.

7/20/16      Lots of stuff. [Discipler]/ friendship. Some awkwardness felt.

7/21/16      Residual unresolved-ness towards [Member A], for text, towards [Discipler], for heartless comment, and towards Eric for lack of response.

8/2/16      Frustrated this morning. Was frustrated last night. Frustrated towards Eric and I want to avoid people who cause me stress.

8/4/16      Sheesh. Frustrating morning.. Frustrated and in double-bind/ unresolved w/ Eric. Frustrated yesterday texts. [BT Leader] wants to hang out but I don’t trust him. I want to get away from the things that hinder my growth.

8/5/16      When [BT Leader] bugged me about hanging out, it bugged me. He doesn’t understand where I’m at. I don’t want to be around him right now. 

I believe whatever I say/do can be used against me, shared with others.

 I’m at odds w/ Eric . We don’t see eye-to-eye.

8/7/16      Every day I feel unresolved. What frustrates me? Hurt from church. I don’t want to do “sound” anymore for the way it pulls me away from spirituality and how there is not proper oversight from paid staff. I believe there should be better supervision about these things. .. just hurt. .. Thank you [BT Leader] for setting the stage for all that.

8/8/16      Didn't like seeing Bruce at service, mostly because there’s no relationship there. And the way he views me. .. (it’s because I’m still unresolved and feel unforgiven) .. It’s so much more than mere do’s and don'ts. 

Yet I feel others judge just on those things.

8/8/16      I felt so judged for past sins I had repented of, and for false accusations, and I feel unresolved about it. I still felt frustrated yesterday. Maybe by seeing [SM Leader] and Bruce - paranoid they’re talking about me. [BT Leader] talks about me behind the back. I don’t want to talk to him alone one-on-one.

8/11/16      So, talked to [BT Leader] last night and same dynamic happened where things got escalated. And, No, I’m not going to meet with him 1-on-1. I believe and am certain we will argue. .. “I’M DISAPPOINTED” .. “YOUR POSTURE… YOU’RE PRIDEFUL” 

I don’t respond to his ways of motivation and now I refuse to. Even last night he was trying to build a case, saying I’m not close to [Discipler], not close to him, that’s a big deal..

8/12/16      Conflict w/ [BT Leader] again. We had friction at midweek. He started the same dynamic of building a case. Things escalated. He left message last night wanting to meet with [Zn Leader] and Bruce again. (Same as before.) (Nope) Not going to that gunfight. Really frustrated by that.

I disagree w/ [BT Leader]’s methods. Trying to be Alpha-dog. When there’s a different point of view or when there’s a disagreement. Not going to tolerate the ambush.

8/13/16      Heart feels sad from last night.

8/14/16      Feeling anxious re: meeting today w/ Bruce & [BT Leader]. Mind cycling thru the hurts.

8/15/16      Really struggling cognitively, in my mind.

8/16/16      Must still journal out craziness in brain from false accusations.

8/17/16      Listened to scriptures on earpiece to stabilize my mind.

8/18/16      Heart is sad. Small. Distant. Dropped down. Overlooked. Discredited. Categorized. 

Devalued. Disassociated. Denied. Reassigned. Subjugated. Invalidated.

8/19/16      Still going thru mental hogwash. Hurts from accusations. Arm-bending. Lack of validation. This is how superficiality spreads. I need to validate my thoughts and not let myself get trampled upon. 

Having a hard time this morning. Splinter in my mind that I repented over a year ago. Accused and judged. Now forced to be w/ a brother who will accuse and not listen. I feel I need to keep my guard up. 

Yet what about the unresolved accusations? And if I speak out will I be called prideful? *invalidated*

8/19/16      {written-out prayer}

8/20/16      A distant day. Really not motivated to read & pray. Not wanting to deal w/ injustices in my life.

8/24/16      I don’t feel like they’ve listened to the hurts nor validated the issues. 

8/25/16      Why do we not examine the heart, but apparently focus on the behaviors?

8/31/16      Feeling discouraged this morning. ..he doesn’t understand how to fix a broken heart. When I ask for privacy he says that’s not in the bible. This made me feel in a double-bind last night. ..tired this morning and misunderstood.

9/2/16      I hate it when others go around people’s backs! This is what happens at church.

9/4/16      ..in heart I still feel conflict and sensitivity over hurts in bible talk.. I want to get my heart to a better spot.

9/6/16      So much compacted stuff. 

Got into it w/ [BT Leader] again last night. He says I’m in “DEEP SIN.” Oh, blood of Jesus can’t cover that? He still tries to be over me. His answers show how he views me. He doesn’t really understand. I can’t confess my temptations to someone who views me this way. This shows me his point of view that I disagree with. We don’t even acknowledge the heart anymore. Taking scriptures out of context. People talk behind each other’s backs.

9/8/16      Still echoes in my mind. Ready to change groups.. I realize that ultimately, [BT Leader] won’t be the one who will help me grow spiritually.

9/9/16      Every day issues arise in my brain. 

9/28/16      My main thing is that regarding boundaries, he doesn’t ask. “Can’t hear the no.”

I think it is controlling-like.

10/19/16      I’m wondering why in my heart I’m distracted.. I don’t know if in my heart I still feel stuck or not.

10/21/16      Also, [BT Leader] asked me, “when was the last time you were in a study.. all the way thru..?” I feel this can be used to judge someone’s spirituality. Why not just invite them along?

10/23/16      ..disproving negative fears..

10/24/16      I know he won’t understand why I called.. but for me I had to do it.  … I think it can be a bind for me.

10/25/16      ..if not talking to person but to others - Gossip.

10/26/16      This bible talk/sector is keeping me busy but is it bringing me closer to God? Or just busy preventing sin? But does it address the deeper rules?

10/31/16      Stopped by 4pm service due to fear of retaliation..

11/3/16      ..in my heart I can feel up tight. It’s hard for me to be around leaders who aren’t vulnerable. Also from whom I’ve suffered harshness from. 

11/7/16      ..I don’t know why [BT Leader] doesn’t want to pray w/ us..

11/8/16      I think I’m too worried about judgments. I want to hide things. It’s so easy for us to pass judgments upon each other.

11/20/16      ..feeling dismayed at [BT Leader] & [BT Member] talking and saying I’m “sending a message.”

11/30/16      ..was/is feeling stirred up about topics last night and how I felt hurt by all that. My heart still wants to find a different bible talk to be in.

12/1/16      ..in my heart I still feel mistrust for the ways talking behind the back goes on, in the name of “getting advice.”

12/3/16      ..i still feel hurt by the talking behind my back? Friendship was impacted w/.. presupposing all intentions? I feel like [BT Leader] continues to get into my business.

I feel [BT Leader] has an old-school mentality that doesn’t understand the hearts and how to motivate hearts. I think [BT Leader] thinks he’s helping me, but am I really growing spiritually? I need mentors I can trust & confide in.

12/7/16      My heart has felt lots of hurt and it’s hard to get past all that. I disagree w/ some of the philosophy of [BT Leader]. Going through all the accusations and not being heard or listened to was hard. I expressed how the heart got destroyed. I see how whatever friendship that was there got torn apart.

12/20/16      ..because of past, I am not comfortable talking w/ [BT Leader].

bibli12/24/16      [BT Leader] spoke, reiterating the reason why he spoke to [BT Member b]. I still feel he watches over us. .. [BT Leader] actually never apologize for any harshness. He just biblicly rationalized his opposition.

12/24/16      Something in my gut sits uneasy with me. [BT Leader] being “Alpha” hasn’t changed. It’s not going to change. I don’t think he leads us/me to God thru prayer. He keeps us in line. Would someone else do better? We never hear of his struggles. At least I don’t.  What about boundaries?

1/8/17      Sometimes I feel this is how OC teaches its theology. Lacking recognizing the heart. Missing out. Adhering to the system rather than the creator.

1/21/17      Still not sure if i should stay in this group or move on to another.. I still feel like my heart needs renewal. I want a fresh start.

1/25/17      ..still thinking of switching groups..

1/29/17      Last year’s episodes were very destructive.

2/12/17      ..felt like I need to defend myself

2/18/17      [BT Leader] wants to “conclude” all this stuff.

2/19/17      I still don’t want to have to interface [BT Leader] on past things - he says to “resolve” things yet this was not stated by Bruce - it’s what [BT Leader] had decided and said needs to happen but I don’t see it that way

2/22/17      ..where [BT Leader] wanted to “resolve” things.. Felt anxious about it

2/26/17      ..don’t quite follow the whole North Leadership stuff, esp after the accusations of 2016..

2/27/17      I think in bible talk things are too sensational and not from the heart enough. Showy. Look what I’m doing. Performance rather than being.

2/26/17      I think he’s caught up in the prior paradigm of performance-oriented spirituality, rather than looking at the heart of the matter. Espoused is behaviors and actions rather than motivations behind them. What gets pushed to the side is our hearts. Then emotions are discounted.

2/28/17      He pushes [BT Member b] by his (beliefs) to the point where he [BT Member b] tells [BT Member] he doesn’t control him - that’s a boundary crossing.

3/4/17      ..because I know his legalistic mindset will run with it.. I still feel I should have switched bible talks. My heart till feels anxious.

3/5/17      After talking to [BT Leader] on Friday night I feel extremely apprehensive. 

But I still don’t agree with [BT Leader]’s mindset. It is controlling and espoused the worship of a system rather than God. Sharing temptations is very rare if at all. . I submitted to previous directions but I did not agree to them.. Due to prior false accusations.

3/6/17      Last night after church I still feel stymied from atmosphere surrounding [BT Leader]. I know I don’t want anything to do with this anymore.

3/7/17      Anxiety has subsided over time yet I am still ready to switch bible talks.

3/9/17      ..and Eric wanted to “get more advice” from JaeHo or Bruce. In my heart I fear being disfellowshipped. I feel afraid in my heart of being able to speak freely because of judgement.. Of harshness from [BT Leader], I feel like bible talk is fake.. My heart does not trust Bruce.. I feel I will forever be pigeon-holed..

I feel I can’t escape this..or be forgiven. Where’s the forgiveness of God? I don’t want to be in the North anymore. All this year, or last year, the past accusations were never “resolved.”.. I feel judgements were made against me.. Trying to be subservient to others while disagreeing..

In my heart I fear punishment. 

3/9/17      I feel like [BT Leader] brought me before the Sanhedrin and I was judged and condemned. Now I 

can’t get beyond it. Like no fresh starts, that sucks. 

3/9/17      Sometimes i feel it’s none of their business. Why is grace out of the question now?.. There is fake-ness in O.C.

I feel I need to be open w/ Eric that I don’t feel I can be open in the Bible Talk, that I feel things are sensational. That the accusations of last year and ways things were used against me.

..when will I be able to get free from all this?.. Yet why do so many other say OC is legalistic?

I don’t have the freedom to disagree or say No. 

Many things I feel like were not true - accusations that were said.

3/9/17      [BT Leader] thought I wasn’t doing well w/ [Discipler] when it was He who missed three d-times with me, and later admitted he had bad attitudes toward me. 

3/9/17      I don’t feel like I can be open in this group… These things are distracting..

3/10/17      Swirling around in my head: unresolved issues w/ [BT Leader], Bruce

3/10/17      I still feel angry towards the way everything happened last year with [BT Leader] and Bruce.. Harshness at more than one point. I was unable to disagree, who can stand up to Bruce?

3/11/17      In my mind, my shield is still up. I feel this is grief for scrutinizing the.. Rather than seeing my efforts to change.. I feel I need to state my case and make my appeal. But even for this.. It shouldn’t have to come to this. Legalistic posturing instead of relationship w/ God.

I have felt anxiety every time I’ve been around [BT Leader]. All last year. Unable to speak freely. I mentioned this to [SM Leader], and to [Zn Leader], and to [Member A], who knows of all my tension or conflict w/ [BT Leader]. Why do I need to spell out my reasoning here?.. I don’t want to be captivated by fears.

.. third sit-down. I was under duress. Response in group to if you agree was “Hell No, but who can talk back to Bruce!”.. Do I need to continue to talk about my trauma? .. I feel I need to defend the formation of convictions.. Why must I defend myself of my convictions?.. I have to fight to not be a people-pleaser but to stand on my own convictions.

3/13/17      ..fighting to move away from controlling tendencies toward freedom. (switching bible talks).. Still feeling anxious.. I wonder what [BT Leader] talked to him about. If he had, that’s not cool.

I don’t want to revisit [BT Leader]’s controlling nature that I’ve endured over a year. 

I’ve expressed my anxiety this has caused me in the []-group members multiple times. 

There is an atmosphere made where you cannot disagree or say no. Their will imposed.. All of last year I feel like it was unfair. 

I had already confessed and repented of sin the prior year, yet it was held against me. So at what point was it forgiven by God?

3/13/17      {Read All Manually for unabridged details - was explained in  Section Two}

.. I was under duress and unable to disagree or speak freely..

This had been a lot of emotional trauma. This has been emotionally traumatic for me. Harsh judgement. False accusations. Controlling. Unable to disagree.

I feel powerless around him and his controlling demeanor and I must protect myself.

3/14/17      ..I see how he had already been poisoned by other talks..

3/15/17      ..I feel convictions & anger at being wronged..

3/15/17      {Read All Manually for unabridged details - was explained in  Section Two}

..(still caused emotional apprehension, recalling traumas)

(realized I have suffered emotional trauma from [BT Leader]’s actions) (Unable to disagree) (realized when I told [BT Leader] what happened I was incredibly emotionally terrified) ..(I felt fear and was afraid to announce because of backlash.)

(even when hadn’t gone to North Soft-Arrow Event, [BT Member] challenged me saying UNUNIFIED! Yet this was voluntary)

You cannot create an atmosphere where differing viewpoints are not welcomed, countered by wording like, you’re being ununified, prideful, defensive, or going Rogue!

Continued demonstration of demanding control.

Will not subject myself to further emotional trauma.

Endured this more than a year.

3/16/17      I just don’t get it. I know what [BT Leader] did before he was married, as a single, and he shared what he did after as well. So why is he so reactive to all this.

3/17/17      Mind circulating thoughts about issues. I don’t get it. Yes, there are issues. I have contention over.

I am no longer safe around [BT Leader], demonstrated by words spoken. No. I cannot be in his group. I will forgive the offenses but I cannot tolerate that.

3/19/17      I was definitely hurt by whatever was said at the leader’s meeting, as relayed by [BT Member] last week when we talked on phone Monday 3/13.. 

Whatever other words were spoken about me.. 

[BT Member]: Bruce knows (you’re gonna get it).. Self righteousness, accusational.

3/20/19      I don’t like how he’s being self-righteous about things while I know he’s been judgmental

3/22/17      Still mentally struggling from words [BT Leader] said from podium last night. 

Slammed me for not being open, being private..

Well, I want to stay away from self-righteous Pharaseutical B.S. Many mental cussing going on in my head! This is condoned! All last year went thru this!  My mind sorta like a pinball machine of thoughts. Heart feels numb, mildly, not wanting..

3/24/17      Slightly less mental echoes from Tuesday night. Still hurt by broken trust. I feel like, through all this stuff, that it’s been hard to truly connect w/ God and hear the voice of scripture.. I replied I was not ready and would talk w/ Eric and my therapist.. I don’t feel, have never felt free around [BT Leader]. He says he’s “all about discipling” but I see how he has a dominant controlling personality. I feel many boundaries were crossed. More trust was broken..

Speaking @ leader’s meeting spreading slander, @ midweek from pulpit speaking about me, misrepresenting my desire for therapeutic privacy as pride, from pulpit.

I struggled regarding this self-righteousness.

I feel this has veered so far away from the blood of Jesus where it’s judgement, suspicious, accusations, etc.

3/25/17      ..after writing out my hurts..

3/30/17       ..I do feel some emotional gap right now.. I’ve had such a strong reaction from [BT Member] & [BT Leader].. Why are men so quick to accuse of sin? Where does that come from? Why not care and concern rather than vindictive desires?

4/1/17      Have been feeling emotional gap for few days this week.. My mind circulates all these arguments..

4/2/17      Still dismayed to learn how [BT Leader] has blackballed me in the bible talk.

4/6/17      I agree for the need of boundaries and separation. I must stay away from these abusive relationships… (not feeling that right now. Ostracized. Lines drawn. Hurts have become abuse)

4/7/17      I still feel hurt today.. I don’t like having to review past hurts.

4/12/17      It’s been difficult to navigate thru all this hurt. Others in past have called hurt selfishness. I’m sorry at what point is it abuse?

4/17/17      All the stigma stuff has got to go. It messes people up.. Why is it in church that “trust” is marginalized? You can’t strong-arm trust.

4/21/17      ..unresolved hurts surrounding [BT Leader]? I know I have to keep distance; he won’t see things differently; just way he is as a controller.

4/25/17      Having hard time today emotionally. Still feeling lots of hurts, stirrings-up over weekend. Issues not closed.

4/26/17      I was apprehensive to talk to those I perceived or feared had heard bad news about me.. Represents hurt feelings).. I felt paranoia, hard to get that out of head & heart.. I don’t like how Eric has held past history against me. Where’s the forgiveness? Or, what’s the sin? Or Struggle?.. This is still the issue w/ hurts from [BT Leader].

4/27/17      ..having a hard time focusing today

4/28/17      I think I’ve gotten thru the week alright despite feeling down.

4/29/17      Previous journal chronicles a lot of conflict that I will need to review/ revisit..

..by someone who’s controlling and had done worse before. Very hard for me to trust.. Yet I see definitely how there’s a legalistic spirit in parts of the church.

Being ostracized from prior BT was wrong. The condemning actions of the church have not helped produce an atmosphere of greater trust and openness, but of less.

I have lots of hurt inside. It’s difficult to trust others, knowing people talk and things are not held in confidence. .. because they judge behavior not the heart.. There has not been real friendship with [BT Leader] for over a year, yet he has judged.

5/3/17      In my heart I felt apprehensive that he was an elder.  I am skeptical about certain cultures and accepted practices in the ministry of course, as I’ve been hurt in the name of righteousness. I know that deep down inside I have disagreed with the theology preached in the previous bible talk, and even promulgated from the pulpit. .. I still fear oppressive judgement. This not right. This is what others who leave church complain about. Very damaging. .. we don’t talk about these things about judgement.. But only a system of rules that ultimately breaks and enslaves.

5/4/17      It’s not right to have things be held over your head for over a year at church, or to live with such shame.

5/10/17      My heart was hurt by things said @ pulpit.. This showed me my heart is still hurt by the ordeal.. I am deeply hurt by accusations, self-righteous judgements in the name of discipleship, putting down defensiveness, etc. double-standards. Pharaseutical hearts.

5/11/17      This evening I feel mildly anxious.

5/17/17      ..feeling anxious over issues.. I think overall I still feel hurt & untrusting.

I’ve felt pretty down today. I feel anxious mentally and in the heart about meeting with Jaeho. My heart has been weighed down by all this ..

5/19/17      My heart feels really sad today. 

5/20/17      I don’t yet feel comfortable with all that yet.. We met three times last year, what will be different now?

5/23/17      We sat down three times last year. I can’t be around this controlling manipulative person. .. {I feel extremely sensitive now about what gets spoken from pulpit}

5/24/17      Feeling sad from [SM Leader]’s message last night. A foreboding feeling, knowing that senior leadership knows about everything.

5/28/17      So, my heart still feels down. I feel it will take a long time for healing.. I don’t think like church recognizes the areas it’s weak in.. Dysfunction like controlling others, not acknowledging the heart of the matter. Creating a culture of behavioral obedience.. Why have we drifted so far from the heart?

5/30/17      I realize my hurts go back to last year. I should have had the self-confidence to speak up for myself and defend myself but I didn’t.. I don’t think we deal w/ the heart of things.

6/1/17      Hoping things will just settle down w/ separation from [BT Leader].

6/7/17      I felt anxious seeing him, remembering how I’ve been ostracized because of [BT Leader].. What is there to get resolved about? Publicly slandered? And this is tolerated at church? Abuse and control? Does a woman want to be resolved with her rapist? With one whos made false accusations repeatedly? Why? 

6/10/17      ..when faced with accusations? How deal w/ loss/ broken/ destroyed trust?

6/12/17      I keep thinking that, I could not, or cannot be around [BT Leader] when he’s controlling, manipulative. I’m not free.. And he controlled others, My heart is not safe there. How can I be resolved w/ that when I must stay away from all that.

6/14/17      ..@ sit-down w/ Bruce, I was strong-armed into forced-trust with [BT Leader], w/ scriptures used as forced-entry tool. My thoughts & feelings were overridden, ignored. Trust was ignored by Bruce. Ergo, I don’t think leadership understands this factor.

6/20/17      ..was feeling anxious after hearing [Zn Leader] from podium and seeing Bruce. I still feel intimidated by him, no emotional connection.. Myself I have hurtness and trust issues from the abuse.

6/22/17      ..and then I was feeling messed up emotionally.. It’s taken a long time for me to work through these things.

6/24/17      {various comments}

6/29/17      I don’t think the OC church would recognize its own tendencies, but would deny it

7/9/17      {various comments}

7/24/17      I want to have sit-down w/ at least therapist, and also Eric and [], when they get back from trip.

7/25/17      ..then it’s complicated by judgements and the fears of disfellowship and self-righteousness and polarization that’s messed up.. [Member B] had been disfellowshipped.

7/26/17      Still thinking there’s something not right here.

7/26/17      {various comments}

7/29/17      I still feel unsettled by current affairs here in Orange County. JaeHo wants “next steps” I disagree. I don’t want anything to do with unsafe toxic people anymore. He and Leadership don’t recognize or respect boundaries. Promulgated is a system of discipleship. I’ve observed this culture for years.. I don’t like how there’s disfellowshipping without a proper pathway and program for healing.

8/4/17      Feel apprehension this week.

8/9/17      This morning I’m cycling thru negative thoughts.

8/10/17      ..I was apprehensive last night going to midweek..  3. The past was never resolved, nor understood by the church, and mishandled.. OC is emotionally disconnected & works or performance-oriented.

8/12/17      ..was anxious about it, being around others.. I cancelled because of anxiety.  I have heightened anxiety about others talking, like paranoia.

8/14/17      ..it made me anxious, I have been very hurt by the spiritual abuse that occurred last year. This has hindered my recovery.. I do not want to go back into a spiritually-abusive system.. I have had 2 therapists say to avoid, put aside, not focus on what man says or does. It had bothered and clouded me.

8/15/17      I feel the church marginalizes trust.

8/17/17      ..text made me anxious.. I still don’t feel that the church recognizes therapy. I disagree that Elders can make decisions that cannot be questioned. I don’t feel safe without finding some way to be represented to protect from abuse.

8/20/17      This morning my mind was still anxious..

8/21/17      ..got long text from..that made me anxious.. I think that caused emotional irritation.

I am so hesitant to have a sit-down because I was emotionally abused and spiritually abused multiple times last year. Even if Leadership doesn’t believe that can happen in their church.

8/22/17      Still bugged by .. text last night, trying to get past it in my mind.

8/23/17      ..I do feel I need to talk about my hurts, abuse...and likely would not recognize crossed boundaries.

8/23/17      I feel overshadowed by condemnation of Leadership. Judgment and shame, Embarrassment.

8/28/17      I feel the abuse today in the family of the church.

9/3/17      I was tremendously hurt by slander.

9/6/17      Feeling subtly more anxious today.. My texts about therapist and sitting down..were ignored.. There has been so much hurt over all this.

I’ve felt pervasive anxiety all day. Apprehensive about arranging a sit down w/ Bruce et al. Difficulty focussing at work.

I am wondering why there was no response about my offer of communication w/ therapist or request to sit-down..

There’s not an understanding or appreciation for the therapeutic process.

I know [] has felt devastated by the way [Member C]’s been treated in church. Ostracized by the judgment of others. (self-righteous)

9/7/17      ..was feeling anxious from communication w/ Eric about meeting w/ Leaders. [] had earlier told me [Member C] stays at home, due to shame of treatment by Leaders.. So much judgment.

I want to have boundaries against spiritual abuse, slander, shame… those things were not imaginary.. Being in a legalistic performance-based environment doesn’t help.

9/8/17      [Member C]’s worried about being disfellowshipped.. Went to bed feeling angry and worked up.

I feel anxious, apprehensive today. This will make it difficult for me to connect w/ God.

9/9/17      I think I feel legitimately afraid of Bruce. Do I feel echoes from my past of abuse?

I feel so much hurt and defensiveness prior to my anticipated meeting on Sunday.

I used to be out-of-myself, joyful, serving, engaged. Now I feel shamed, judged, hurt, ostracized, worn-down.

The church’s actions/policies brought shame & judgement, disgrace, shallow understandings.

9/10/17      This morning I still feel anxious. Mentally. Due to meeting this afternoon.

{Read All Manually for unabridged details - was explained in  Section Two}

9/11/17      The anxiety of the sit-down meeting.. I know they don’t understand me and judge me. I don’t feel that Eric was the advocate that he said he would be. I was hurt how he classified [] and I.

9/12/17      I know I was not listened to, nor will be believed in, even by what Eric said..

I think when a group is focused on spiritual behaviors overly focused on performance, ignoring deeper brokenness.. Then there will be an inability to grasp grace.

9/12/17      How can I freely get to the root when beset by false accusations and harshness and abuse? That is not an environment that produces healing. 

Eric first listened & said he wanted to be an advocate, and now he calls me a predator who took advantage of [], emotionally damaged. And how will Eric now help me recover from that?

[WM Leader] told [] that [Member C] was a “loaner disciple,” “Did [Member C] want to be a disciple?” [Member C] was asked. Presumption, judging.

9/13/17      Felt hurt & frustrated yesterday. Didn’t goto a “big” midweek for awkwardness around sisters, the “do’s” and “don'ts” won’t heal the inside..

9/14/17      ..Last year I had to escape manipulative control.. .. that’s what I’ve observed in this culture. Parable of unmerciful servant, people not listening, not asking questions, judging.

9/15/17      I realized that my heart feels fear over what other people think.. ..of course it can cause apprehension.. ..my mental apprehension.

..I still feel anxious now about every text and checking emails.

9/16/17      I still feel anxious at whole situation. ..

Every action from church creates incredible anxiety that takes days to recover from.

9/18/17      Last night praying thru hurt, was reminded or God helped me, that I have had bitterness in my soul from everything that had gone on last year..

9/19/17      In morning, my mind wants to push up fresh sprouts from deep weeds of unresolved hurts..

9/20/17      ..this is how I feel about the church stuff.. Overlooking abuses..

9/21/17      Eric called - If I bring my therapist, it’s not displaying trust.

Reply to Eric - ..it’s for my support because of spiritual & emotional abuse I’ve been thru for over a year, told to you & JaeHo in detail..

9/23/17      I still need to say something. This is not right, I don’t believe people can be bulldozed over like this.. Getting bogged down in the mud..

9/24/17      I conveyed back to Eric that because of emo/spir abuse I had told to him & Jaeho, I want therapist there.. I know I am not being listened to.. How can I gracefully walk away when things were wrongfully done against me?

9/24/17      {Read All Manually for unabridged details - was explained in  Section Two}

9/25/17      Was feeling kinda sad last night but was different kind, dull pain. aloneness.

9/27/17      I just keep thinking that, this is not right.

9/29/17      Can’t get out of my head or, rather, wrap around the abuse/ hypocrisy that has occured.

10/1/17      Last night had good talk w/ []. He shared things about church politics. He told me how years ago Bruce was fired from his position of Lead Evangelist in LA.. He ruled with an iron fist. ..this isn’t right.

10/3/17      (I don’t believe certain leaders should have ultimate authority here.) Where’s the checks n balances or advocacy or rule of law or protections for the members?

10/6/17      Not being in community makes things an order of magnitude more difficult to heal from such matters. Leaders do not understand how to recovers from such things.

10/7/17      I still feel the wrongness in my heart. The judgement..

..driving home I then felt that our situations were different. That [] hadn’t had someone falsely accuse [] of wrongdoing.

I’m still unresolved about the wrongs & hurts. Now multiply harder to recover when support has been shattered. I know I won’t be listened to. This isn’t right. Cannot get swept under the rug.

10/8/17      (I shouldn’t have to be on the down-low @ church, there should be freedom).. (Hurt & Abuse never resolved)

10/10/17      I still feel I need to defend myself. To confront.

10/11/17      I am not resolved. I am not listened to. How then can there be real recovery?

10/12/17      Not received any calls from leadership or Eric.

10/13/17      ..I can’t say that nothing’s happened.. This isn’t right & isn’t a solution. To kick someone out on pretense of protecting church. Hypocrisy.

In my distress I seek to feel better. But I cannot ignore these issues/ problems/ unresolved abuses.

..I can associate with almost all the descriptions on the page; these were just what I copied down here. Simmering anger. Unresolved. I have to resolve this.

I have to get thru this. This is why I feel I can’t fully recover.

Was discouraged/ hurt today @ [Member D]’s reply that he talked to an Elder who said not to communicate with me.

10/14/17      When I wake up, I wake up to the subtle, invisible nightmare of unresolved issues..

10/15/17      Been in survival mode. Def can’t recover.. w/ unresolved stuff hanging over my head.  This isn’t right.. Hard to be motivated for church today. .. I was wronged, I cannot NOT address that. I have to stand up, and I have to speak up.

10/16/17      My comfort is when I sleep, because I wake to the flood of unresolved hurts - a waking torment. Church members avoid me because they have been communicated to do so by Leadership, with claims they are “protecting” the church. I have received no calls from Leaders or Eric since.

10/17/17      I read a definition on emotional distress last night and it totally matches what I’ve gone thru.

10/18/17      ..but this also is a reaction to what others have said about me. This isn’t right..

..because of the hurt it continues to stir..

*unresolved* this is now way to live. This has been the wrong decision & mishandled.. There is a lot of compacted hurt in my heart.

..I know Bruce won’t listen to my claim of abuse. I have to speak out and get this out of my heart.. This is not the path, the correct method, to disfellowship. I must speak out. The church moves on like nothing happened?

10/20/17      I felt my guard go up, mixed w/ fears. What I went thru was not imaginary. I believe I still must go thru with my plans and declare my side of the story. Must continue. … My heart is unresolved about this, like a rock or a cyst. Must deal w/ it. Boundaries were violated.

10/23/17      Something must be said to stop the abuse.

10/24/17      Just reviewing the book, I know OC fits that description. Outside are “lost” people. Power posturing. Performance. Tired, wounded people.

That’s what goes on at church - people speak behind people’s backs.

Yet for me the facts prove this, my hurts and abuse.

10/26/17      This reminds me of the atmosphere of the church.

10/27/17      More momentum than hurt.

10/31/17      Lots of pent-up struggles. I need to resolve my conflicts; deal w/ the hurts, and move onward.

11/1/17      It’s all still unresolved. And it won’t be resolved nicely.

11/3/17      I have to resolve these things in my life and heart. And not get lulled into oblivion.

11/4/17      My heart still feels the nugget of unresolved-ness in it. ..Hurt in heart, unresolved, hardens it.

11/5/17      In my dreams there are themes about church, Bruce, etc. Unresolved-ness.

11/7/17      Must address the unfinished business.

11/8/17      The things I’ve gone thru were not imaginary.

11/9/17      Many things are still unresolved.

11/11/17      Hard for me to digest this when in my heart I feel unresolved. Half-buried hurts. How can one move forward? No wonder those who have been wronged by the church suffer so much and feel bitter. Indeed so do I.. 

And further, there is no program in church to deal with and resolve such hurts. ..I have been labeled by others, I’m sure. Grrr.

11/14/17      Reviewing journals last night reminded me of the wrongs to be addressed.. Reviewing journals has reminded me of unfinished business, unresolved-ness.

..talking out the hurts and abuses.

11/15/17      It is, and will continue to be, difficult.

11/16/17      ..have felt anxious all day. Pent-up unresolved issues.

11/17/17      Last night still feeling residual anger, or hidden anger..

I’m in this limbo, spiritually. This strong-arm method is wrong..

Still this wasn’t resolved or concluded or anything. That’s not right at all. Dysfunctional rules of don’t talk, don’t feel, don’t...

11/19/17      I feel I have to defend myself against the abuse.

11/20/17      I’m still in limbo and unresolved. It’s difficult to maintain a spiritual regimine over time. Yet I have to address the unresolved abuses.. Even disfellowshipping does nothing about healing the heart.

11/21/17      So late last night Eric texted me that they would read a disfellowshipping letter tonight at midweek. This had created, stirred up anger in my heart. 

..end of night text out: “so this morning my heart was in a lot of pain, felt lots of anger..”

11/22/17      Feeling distracted today.. My mind still sorting thru all that has happened.

11/23/17      Been difficult couple of days. Very hurt by inaccurate statements now announced to hundreds of people.. Difficult to move forward.

11/28/17      ..there still is this bubble of control & authority, it’s by position & title, not relationship. The whole “assignment” of relationships is unnatural.

11/29/17      Latter half of day felt residual hurt.

11/30/17      The emotional hurts were true, real, they happened.

12/2/17      There’s too much crazy going on. I keep getting confirmations that I need to speak up and be loud.

12/5/17      I think my heart was feeling the residuals of pain last night?

12/9/17      The things that happened were not right. The way things were handled was wrong.

12/10/17      In my heart in quiet moments I can still feel the off-balance or orphan-ness.. They call this thing a splinter in your mind.